Orbital Mechanics 1
by Rory MacKinnon
Content Warning: mental illness, self-harm
There have been long periods in my life where my tools have sat on the shelf gathering dust because I didn’t feel able to safely hold a knife in my hand. When I *can* carve, the feeling is nothing short of euphoric - but when I can’t, there’s no knowing how long that state will last.
My counsellor Clem inspired this piece, responding to the fear that this source of joy might just vanish forever when I wake up tomorrow.
Clem said that we tend to think of mental health recovery as a straight line to Better™, with any struggles as a deviation that must be corrected. But, in reality, it is more like an outward spiral - even in the moments where you feel like you’re circling back, you have still put distance between the place where you are now and the place where you began.
The spiral is often a symbol of mazes and madness, true. But in my homeland of New Zealand the koru design represents growth in the form of a young fern frond. Here I like to think of it as an escape trajectory.